Sunday, November 13, 2005
I'm trying to study for bio, but it's crazily boring ... so I check my email. Of course, I have one of those tantilizing "Friend Requests" from facebook, so I endulge and add them as a friend, etc. Then, of course, I get sucked in and start looking at my friends and whatnot ... and then I stumble upon a new feature; pictures on facebook. I guess you can upload pictures of people and tag them with what facebook member is in the picture, yada yada. We'll, of course, since I'm always the one taking pictures, there's only 1 picture of me up there. So I start checking another friend's pictures, and she's got 43 or something of her. Looking through the pictures brought back memories, and even though I don't know some of the people in those pictures, it brought feelings back that I was masking so very well. And then it hit me, that of all those 43 pictures, the pictures that symbolize her "life", I am in zero of them. That got to me a little, and I'm confused as to why it did ... In my entire dating life, I always needed a "rebound" to get over someone. Now, I will not try to explore the fact that it was because of a me getting a rebound in basketball that I hurt myself, 'cause even to me that's silly. Anyway, why haven't I rebounded? I've dated since then, but I haven't rebounded. Is a rebound for me another relationship? I know I've found people that I have had feeling for, and could see them as what I need to get over all this, but the timing is always wrong. They aren't looking for a relationship (which is a bullshit excuse, but that's a novel in itself), or they're starting to see someone, etc. How come I can't find my rebound? I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday, and she said "I think I'm just bad at hooking up". As silly as that sounds, think about it for a second and it makes perfect sense. My rebounds have always turned into other relationships ... as in, I get attached easily. I can't just go hook up with someone I wouldn't be really attracted to, physically and mentally. I've done it before, it's not fun. But the question still remains. Have I lost my charm? Does it say "Has not rebounded" in big red letters on my forhead? I hope not, but that's kinda what it feels like. Yesterday, as well, someone said to me, "I think you really just need to get laid". And to be honest, that would be great. Imagine if I could just fool around and not have feeling come into play and have fun until I feel like there's something greater out there I need to persue! Yeah, I wish I could work that way. Combined with the "I get attached to people I'm really attracted to" and "I hate fooling around with people I'm not attracted to", it's makes it really difficult to just "hook up". OK, I'm digressing a little. I guess what I learned about myself today is I need what feels like a relationship, that I'm really into, to rebound. But if that relationship ends will I always find myself back here? Who knows, but it doesn't feel good not knowing. I'm starting to think I can't/still don't want to rebound from this. Everytime I've seen that we could start something again, I'm either wrong [because I get reattached and the feeling come back] or it is very shortlived. I still believe there's something but I'm having trouble saying to myself "It'll probably always be there, but neither of you are ready, so go have fun and maybe you'll find someone that makes you happier". Maybe I'm too dependent on having other people in my life. Maybe I get too attached when I shoudn't. But I'm going to change who I am, so I've got to find ways to deal with it. I always good at knowing what's wrong but doing something about it is always the hardest. I mean, I'm not "waiting" anymore which is great, but I'm not finding my rebound. And I'm not about to settle for a bad hookup, so it looks like I'm in a pickle here. Oh well, I'll just have to hold my head high and hop on. All in all, I think I'm not subconsciously letting myself totally get over it ...she'll always be there in my heart and nothing can change that. That's kinda nice.