Friday, November 25, 2005
I read into things too much. I get jealous. I can't deal with exs. I go out of my way for people I love but don't see when people go out of their way for me. I can't let you go. I've got my faults ... I always understand yours, so here's some help into understanding mine.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
So here we are folks, Thanksgiving 2005. I was so looking forward to taking a break from school, going home, spending time with crazy italian family, and eating alot! But, to follow suite, that's not working out exactly as planned. Granted, I'm home and away from school, but Thanksgiving will not be the same with just my parents, sister, and Grandmother. My cousin and her husband and three daughters and my Aunt and Uncle will not be coming this year because of a silly feaud between them and my Grandmother. I have to say, that's very upsetting. The holidays should be a time for family and love, not petty fights that seperate the family on a holiday that entire family has always embraced. I'm really bummed out about this, and it kind of puts a black cloud over this entire holiday for me. ::sigh:: Silly silly people ... Anyway, RENT came out in the movie theaters today ... an event I've been waiting 5 years for! I haven't seen it yet, so don't ruin it for me, but I'm going later this week. Hopefully people who haven't seen the show will get the same impression of it as everyone who has fallen in love with the show, and the show fans will get to experience a fresh new reincarnation. I guess we'll see. Also, I've been hearing it's not getting good reviews, but I kinda think that's b\c of how people review it. For this movie, it's best to review how well the RENT story is conveyed and also how well it is represented on screen. Reviewing the plot and character development is kinda silly since it's not a new story. So, Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy the company of your families and loved ones if you have that luxury ... but even if not .. we all have something to be thankful for. Goodnight.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
I'm trying to study for bio, but it's crazily boring ... so I check my email. Of course, I have one of those tantilizing "Friend Requests" from facebook, so I endulge and add them as a friend, etc. Then, of course, I get sucked in and start looking at my friends and whatnot ... and then I stumble upon a new feature; pictures on facebook. I guess you can upload pictures of people and tag them with what facebook member is in the picture, yada yada. We'll, of course, since I'm always the one taking pictures, there's only 1 picture of me up there. So I start checking another friend's pictures, and she's got 43 or something of her. Looking through the pictures brought back memories, and even though I don't know some of the people in those pictures, it brought feelings back that I was masking so very well. And then it hit me, that of all those 43 pictures, the pictures that symbolize her "life", I am in zero of them. That got to me a little, and I'm confused as to why it did ... In my entire dating life, I always needed a "rebound" to get over someone. Now, I will not try to explore the fact that it was because of a me getting a rebound in basketball that I hurt myself, 'cause even to me that's silly. Anyway, why haven't I rebounded? I've dated since then, but I haven't rebounded. Is a rebound for me another relationship? I know I've found people that I have had feeling for, and could see them as what I need to get over all this, but the timing is always wrong. They aren't looking for a relationship (which is a bullshit excuse, but that's a novel in itself), or they're starting to see someone, etc. How come I can't find my rebound? I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday, and she said "I think I'm just bad at hooking up". As silly as that sounds, think about it for a second and it makes perfect sense. My rebounds have always turned into other relationships ... as in, I get attached easily. I can't just go hook up with someone I wouldn't be really attracted to, physically and mentally. I've done it before, it's not fun. But the question still remains. Have I lost my charm? Does it say "Has not rebounded" in big red letters on my forhead? I hope not, but that's kinda what it feels like. Yesterday, as well, someone said to me, "I think you really just need to get laid". And to be honest, that would be great. Imagine if I could just fool around and not have feeling come into play and have fun until I feel like there's something greater out there I need to persue! Yeah, I wish I could work that way. Combined with the "I get attached to people I'm really attracted to" and "I hate fooling around with people I'm not attracted to", it's makes it really difficult to just "hook up". OK, I'm digressing a little. I guess what I learned about myself today is I need what feels like a relationship, that I'm really into, to rebound. But if that relationship ends will I always find myself back here? Who knows, but it doesn't feel good not knowing. I'm starting to think I can't/still don't want to rebound from this. Everytime I've seen that we could start something again, I'm either wrong [because I get reattached and the feeling come back] or it is very shortlived. I still believe there's something but I'm having trouble saying to myself "It'll probably always be there, but neither of you are ready, so go have fun and maybe you'll find someone that makes you happier". Maybe I'm too dependent on having other people in my life. Maybe I get too attached when I shoudn't. But I'm going to change who I am, so I've got to find ways to deal with it. I always good at knowing what's wrong but doing something about it is always the hardest. I mean, I'm not "waiting" anymore which is great, but I'm not finding my rebound. And I'm not about to settle for a bad hookup, so it looks like I'm in a pickle here. Oh well, I'll just have to hold my head high and hop on. All in all, I think I'm not subconsciously letting myself totally get over it ...she'll always be there in my heart and nothing can change that. That's kinda nice.
So yesterday we had a social and I dragged my ass around the house on crutches, ugh, I was exausted by the end of the night. I had fun, but everyone thought I was all upset and cranky, which I was a little, but I guess that's the vibe you get from a guy with a busted-up foot. Today I woke up late, ate day-old pizza cause that's what is in my room, and studied for bio. Ya know, it's not that I want to do anything, it's that I don't even have the choice to. ::sigh:: Anyway, my foot isn't getting much better, so hopefully the health center will have something to say to be tomorrow ... probably not. Grr, i'm just not myself, and it seems that no one is here to help. ::sigh:: Here's a random thought thought. The word "Everyday", that means "all days", so "every" means "all", does that mean I can say Wednes or Satur and have those mean once a week? OK that makes no sense, i'm gonna shut up. Ok, better suck it up and study so I can graduate ....
Friday, November 11, 2005
Whoa, 60th post!!! Woohoo! yeah, anyway ... So we're 2 weeks into B-term. The leaves start falling, temperature starts dropping, and ankles start spraining ... wait, again? Yes again. But, it's my other ankle, so now I have no good ankles, sweeeet. It happened playing basketball, again, landing on someone elses foot and turning my ankle. All I know, I've gotta buy really really hi-tops. Like, Reebok Pumps ... ha! Anyway, I'm finally caught up with work and now that I'm injured I'm just sitting on my ass and not doing an damn thing. Also I'm growing a beard, 'cause I can't stand up much longer than to take a shower in the morning, no time to shave/gel/etc. I thought my other ankle would hurt much more, but it doesn't ... it just get's really tiring to hop around on it/use crutches. Yeah, I try to post once a week, but that sometimes doesn't work out. I'll try to keep the promise :) Ok so I want to watch Comedy Central now.